Before I begin, I just want you all to know that I am missing the “m” key from my keyboard. It is…frustrating. LOL!

I don’t feel the love I am given: or do I?

By Tripp Hudgins, lover

Love is hard. There’s no escaping that for me. I know that it is hard for everyone in one way or another. I’ve been reflecting recently on my inability to feel love or at least trust the feeling of receiving love that I experience. Yes, trust issues. I know.

I want to feel that embrace of my whole being, each and every foible, failure, gift, virtue, and desire. I want to believe that all of me is welcome. It seems that I’m rubbish at this.

I have this vivid memory of the last time I saw a college girlfriend. At some point in our conversation, she said, “You have no idea how to love.” It was like she suddenly realized this deep truth that both of us had been blind to in our more than 18 month relationship.

The words hit me like a ton of bricks. She wasn’t wrong. She wasn’t entirely right, either (he said defensively). I don’t trust love. I don’t trust it’s reality. This, of course is both different from not knowing how to love and yet is fundamental to knowing how to love.

I know how to love. I just don’t trust it at all. I don’t trust myself. I only sometimes trust the love another offers. All love is qualified. All love is conditional. No, you don’t know the conditions until you fail to meet them. This is a problem. This leads to all kind of neurotic and co-dependent behaviors. That there is what’s called an understatement.

Yes, I am a recovering alcoholic (seventeen years). Yes, I preach about, talk about, hope for, and advocate for love as a profession. I’m a preacher and a musician. So, I’m learning a lot about love. A lot. All the time. And I have faith that it is real. I have faith that somewhere an unconditional kind of love exists. But I cannot get there from here. Ordinary love eludes me. How am I supposed to receive divine love? I ascent to it’s reality. But receive it? That’s a long way off.

Sunday, I will preach on love. Again. I will talk about how we/I fuck it up. Again and again. I will talk about how Jesus loves us, every bent and broken part of us. Restoration and reconciliation is with the whole human. Not just a part or two. We’ll be changed in the experience, but…yeah. First, Jesus loves us.

Asshole.

I’m already angry at him and it’s not even Sunday yet.